The Reason You Need Proofreading
Hilary Dirks

This was a sign seen at Robert Todd Lincoln’s home, Abraham Lincoln’s son, and sent it into The Pantagraph’s Bill Flick: “Please, NO Smoking Pets, Thank You.” Now one would assume they meant, “No Smoking and/or No Pets, Thank You,” but something must have gotten lost in translation. People in our society, the civilized people that we are, seem to have trouble making known exactly what they mean, and this is very apparent in the confusing instructions that have been found. It seems as if a large group of the American culture has been sleeping through their English classes, especially the part that talks about proofreading. Confused instructions aren’t that uncommon. I have even encountered some confusing, and, dare I say, pointless instructions.

My birthday, the 25th of September, was a few weekends ago, and I received a new watch for my birthday. I opened the box and discovered my new watch (I will save you the description of my watch to get to the point), which was under a sizable pamphlet full of instructions. Quickly putting on my watch, I turned my attention to the instruction manual. I picked it up and slowly flipped through it. Among the instructions was one explaining how to set the alarm. The watch, I discovered, after looking down at it, didn’t have an alarm. On closer inspection, I discovered that all my watch could do was tell the time. This led me to believe that the pamphlet was useless (I mean, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to set a watch). The pointless instructions for my watch was a catalyst for me to wonder about other outrageous and pointless rules/instructions.

Rules and instructions need to be edited by highly qualified people, and if they’re not, well, the results are often humorous and some, down right disturbing. Here are a few examples of some “interesting” instructions. As found on a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while asleep.” (Man, I always do my hair while I’m asleep. That explains why I haven’t been sleeping well.) Here’s one found on a Fritos bag: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (Hmm... they really want to encourage shop lifting don’t they...?) Or, what about the one seen on a Nytol Sleep aid package: “Warning- May cause drowsiness.” (Really? Are you sure?) And last, but not least, some directions found for a chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.” (Wow...that’s all I can say.... wow.) As you can see, editing is a valuable skill, and if it is not possessed it can cause confusion.

Another example of some useless instructions might read like this: A young couple, with no technical degree, decides to buy a camera for their soon to be family. They purchase a new model, the Kodak5000, and set out for home to get it running. Little did they know the horror it would cause. They got home, opened the rather large box, and discovered numerous instruction manuals, warranties, proofs of purchases, and many other pieces of miscellaneous paper. Digging through these things to the bottom of the box, they finally found the camera. The wife, being the wife, opened the manual and began to read the first page, while the husband poked the buttons on the camera.
“Honey, we need to find the ABS2 button.”
“The what?” The husband looked up to focus on his wife.

“The ABS2 button.”
“Right.”
He looked all over the camera in every nook and cranny he could imagine, but couldn’t find the button. The wife, glancing back down at the instructions, discovered a small warning in the corner. It read: “Warning- Do not take camera out of wrapping if any of the pieces are missing. This will disqualify you from getting a refund.” The wife stared at the warning, and, deciding the world was against her, defiantly threw the Instruction manual in the trashcan. They never did find that button.

Rules and instructions aren’t all useless; they can help people live a safe and comfortable life, but how often have you encountered a miswritten rule/instruction? Too often. In conclusion, people need to learn the values of editing, and teaching your pets to smoke is a bad idea.