2005 Roquillo Award Winner

Fabio: The Not So Famous Gap Model
Megan Knight

Once I was in my seat, I looked around. There were only a few other passengers on the bus. One of them, a snot-nosed little girl who was probably seven, was staring at me. “Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer!” I snarled at her. Still, she wouldn’t stop looking at me. “What do you want? Are you stupid?” I screamed at her. Now everyone else on the bus was staring at me. Even after yelling at the girl, she still would not stop looking at me! I got out of my seat, walked up the aisle to her, got right in her face, and yelled, “Stop looking at me!” The woman sitting next to her, most likely her mother, turned around and said, “What kind of person are you, yelling at a deaf child? Have you not any respect?”

Feeling no sympathy at all, I growled at the woman, “Well, she shouldn’t be staring at me, regardless if she’s deaf or not! Doesn’t she know staring isn’t polite? Has she any respect?”

The woman stood up, took her child by the arm, and headed toward the front of the bus. Right before she got off, she turned around and said to me, “If I was your mother, I would disown you. I don’t know how anyone could ever stand being around you. I hope that you never get anything in life, and with that attitude, I highly doubt you will.”

I sat back and thought about what she said; I thought about everything that happened this morning. First, my mom woke me up an hour and a half late so I missed my facial. Then my shower was freezing because SOMEONE used up all the hot water. After my shower, I couldn’t find my favorite Gucci shoes with the cute little ties on them, and I ripped my tight black leather pants when I bent down to look under my bed for them. Then, my car wouldn’t start so I had to walk all the way to the bus stop and ride this filthy monstrosity, and now I had just offended some lady. Oh, who cares what that stupid old lady thinks of me? I’m better than her anyway, and pretty soon I will be on the front page of the Gap magazine! I couldn’t believe this was happening. My life goal was about to be reached! I could see it all: Fabio The Famous Gap Model all lit up, flashing on every billboard across America. I looked down at my watch. It was 9:58! “AHH! My audition is in two minutes!” I cried out in alarm. Just then the bus stopped and I got off, nearly tripping and breaking my neck, or worse: messing up my hair!

As soon as I left the bus, I heard, “aaayyee ‘oy. Whasyadoin?”

I turned around and nearly peed my pants! This guy who was tall, hairy, and skinny, was hobbling toward me! Yes, hobbling, because he only had one leg! Not only was he missing a leg, he was missing all of his teeth as well! I think he either had a fake eye or was just extremely cross-eyed, but I wasn’t about to stick around to find out! “AHHHHHH!” I cried out in terror. I started sprinting away from the man. I ran all the way to the modeling agency and went inside. Panting, I looked at my watch. 10:05. I was late! I ran up to the front desk and shouted at the lady sitting behind it, “Where do I go for the Gap auditions?”

The lady held up a finger, telling me to wait a second because she was talking on the phone. “No!” I bellowed, “I am late and need to go there right now!” I grabbed the telephone out of her hands and hung it up. The lady drew her hands back to her chest, startled, and stared at me, eyes wide. “Listen idiot,” I growled, “I have a ten o’clock appointment and if you don’t tell me where to go right now, I will find your boss and have you fired!”

The lady just sat there and stared at me. Now even more IRATE, I screamed, “I’m sorry, did I not make myself clear, or are you just stupid? You need to tell me right now where to go!”

The lady stood up, looked me right in the eye, and said, “My name is Geraldine Alice Prinzemetal. I am the creator of the Gap magazine, the owner of this building, and the president of this modeling agency. I am here to tell you that because of the way you have just treated me, you will not need to audition because you will NOT be in my magazine.”
I clutched my chest and backed into the wall. This wasn’t happening… This COULDN’T be happening! I was perfect for this job! I had it all: looks, style, and a head full of the most BEAUTIFUL hair in the world! Alarmed, I opened my mouth, praying that I had misheard the woman, and shouted, “What? Why not? Am I breaking out? Do I have zits all over my face? I missed my facial this morning because I woke up late! It wasn’t my fault!”

“Sir, I don’t care if there was a tornado last night and your house got demolished in it. I don’t care if cannibals ate your whole family. All I care about is my magazine, and you will NOT be in it!”

“Why not? I’m PRETTY!”

“Well son, looks aren’t everything. You need to be “pretty” on the inside as well, and as far as I am concerned, you are the ugliest person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. With that attitude, I doubt you will ever get anything in life.”

I stood there stunned, not knowing what to say. The nerve! I then stormed out of the building, FURIOUS. Walking down the street I saw this older man with glasses and an enormous dark black mustache picking on this younger boy. Well, I thought to myself, this might bring me some much-needed entertainment. So I stood off to the side to see what would happen. The older man grabbed the boy by the hideous pea green jacket he was wearing, and shoved him against this cracking, brick building. Standing there, I wondered if I should intervene. I thought about how all those people mentioned something about my attitude in life, and I thought maybe I should try to be a nicer person. Then, thinking back to that horrid woman, I realized that no one cares about anyone other than themselves; and I’m the most important person in my world, so humph! That boy will just have to deal. I then walked off to the bus station, waited for the bus to arrive (that filthy piece of junk) and set off on my journey back home; hoping that this one wouldn’t be as irritating as the first.

A few weeks later I was sitting in my room, wallowing in my own self-pity, eating, dare I say, Rocky Road ice cream (not the non fat kind!), waiting for my mom to bring me the mail. She came inside yelling, “Fabio, Fabio the Gap Magazine is here!”

“Well bring it on up here, woman!” I yelled back down to her. She ran upstairs and tossed the magazine at me. Crying out as I threw my manicured hands up in front of my unrealistically gorgeous face, the magazine hit my arm and landed in my lap. I gasped as I saw the cover. This UGLY, too fat, too hairy man of about 20 years of age with disgusting long brown hair, wearing a pair of so-last-year denim jeans and a REPULSIVE beige jacket was staring at me, smiling an awkward crooked-tooth smile. “What?!” I exclaimed, “Who is this god-awful soul and why is he on MY magazine cover?” I frantically flipped through the pages looking for the article on whomever this “Randy Frisco” was.

At last! I saw his pudgy face looking up at me on page 24. The title alone was enough to make my blood boil: Randy Frisco Saves Prinzemetal’s Prized Metal. Reading into the article further, I discovered that this Frisco guy saved Geraldine Alice Prinzemetal’s son from a …

“Wait a minute!!” I cried out as I saw the picture on the next page: There was a boy wearing a horrendous pea green jacket hugging this Randy character while in the background an old man with glasses and an oversized mustache was being handcuffed. The caption beneath read: Joey Prinzemetal hugs Mr. Randy Frisco after he saved Prinzemetal from the alleged robber, Graham Gleek, who is being placed in handcuffs. Enraged, I read the article and found that the little boy I saw about to get beaten up by this bozo was the creator of the gap magazine’s son, and because Frisco saved him from Gleek, Geraldine Alice Prinzemetal rewarded him with his picture on the cover of her magazine and, no… NO! It can’t be! Mortified, I read, “… Prinzemetal awarded Gleek with his picture on this month’s Gap Magazine cover, and his face on a billboard with flashing lights on Highway 167. “I couldn’t believe it. Just because this clown did a “good deed”, he got everything I ever wanted in the blink of an eye, while I worked my whole LIFE on becoming this good looking and got nothing in return for it.

I sat back and thought to myself, maybe I should change my attitude and care more about other people. Well, as long as they aren’t better looking than I am, I guess I could give it a shot…